Sunday Scribblings: I Would Never Write...

World Rejoices
as Bush Wins Historic Third Term

By PACIAN SPACE-CAT
Published: 8th November 2008

Few expected that George W. Bush would still be leading America in a brave new direction at the end of the year 2008, and yet this morning it seems that just this is going to happen. Despite losing 78% of the vote to his Democrat opponent and nominally being prohibited from standing for a third term, the Chief Justices of the Supreme Court voted to overturn the U.S. constitution and declare Bush the rightful winner of the election. The President immediately demanded an apology from those ‘terroristical traitors’ that had voted for the other candidate, whose name is no longer permitted to be published.

The response of the world to this news could not be said to be anything less than ecstatic. The people of Iran, Syria, and several other middle eastern nations proclaimed that they were now going to give up trying to destroy a nation of people who were so strongly supportive of their leader. The President of France appeared live on national television to declare that his nation would never again fail to do exactly what it was told to by America. The leaders of many nations have also apologised publicly for jeopardising human civilisation by legalising gay marriages and civil partnerships. The British Prime Minister is expected to make a public speech congratulating Mr Bush, as soon as it has been approved by the Pentagon.

I can't tell you what it's like to be in Europe, for example, to be talking about the greatness of America. But the true greatness of America are the people.

President Bush disembarks from his X-Wing after destroying the Death Star.

From one perspective this historic event is only one in a succession of triumphs for Mr Bush: neutralising hundreds of thousands of potential terrorists in the middle east; uncovering dangerous spies such as Valerie Plame; leading a quantum leap to a new generation of correct science such as conservative economics, missile defence and the book of Genesis, while ending the fundamentalist reign of biology, geology, ecology cosmology and climate science; and being the only American leader with the guts to say, Hey, give torture a chance! And let’s not forget the little things, that may have had just as much impact on John Worker and Jill Housewife - is it really a coincidence that under Bush’s leadership the New Orleans state water polo team has gone from strength to strength? And who can fail to have been heartened on learning that Mr Bush was so interested in listening to the people of America that he bugged their phones?

There is another perspective, though, and that is that this triumph is in a class of its own. No longer troubled by the US Constitution (although he was never one to let that scrap of paper get in the way of what was right and necessary), Mr Bush finally has the freedom to win his wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Turkey, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Yemen, North Korea and California (now the Democratic Republic of Schwarzeneggistan). No longer will liberal hate-mongers sow the seeds of doubt that have prevented our troops from kickin’ ass and takin’ names - the only scientistically proven method of stopping them. You know, them - those people that we’re fighting.

We're fighting people that hates our values. They can't stand what America stands for.

President Bush and his team of women's rights advisors.

And the positive affect this event has had on many subversive Americans is remarkable. As feminist professor Natalie Landra, just back from a vacation to an unnamed five star hotel in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, put it, “I regret failing to support the president and thus helping to drive a wedge between the government and its people. Every night I cry myself to sleep thinking about all the people who would have stopped trying to blow up America if only I hadn’t called His Holiness the President a ‘douche bag’ in my MySpace profile.” But don’t just take the word of someone convicted for promiscuity and murder-by-contraception - perhaps the best expression of how we all feel about this came from the world’s most popular radio personality, Rush Limbaugh: “Fucking YES!”

More writing that shouldn't have been, here.

President Bush attends the execution of former president Bill Clinton

Images source.

You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this.

All quotes are the inerrant words of His Holiness the President.