Sunday Scribblings: I Would Never Write...

World Rejoices
as Bush Wins Historic Third Term

Published: 8th November 2008

Few expected that George W. Bush would still be leading America in a brave new direction at the end of the year 2008, and yet this morning it seems that just this is going to happen. Despite losing 78% of the vote to his Democrat opponent and nominally being prohibited from standing for a third term, the Chief Justices of the Supreme Court voted to overturn the U.S. constitution and declare Bush the rightful winner of the election. The President immediately demanded an apology from those ‘terroristical traitors’ that had voted for the other candidate, whose name is no longer permitted to be published.

The response of the world to this news could not be said to be anything less than ecstatic. The people of Iran, Syria, and several other middle eastern nations proclaimed that they were now going to give up trying to destroy a nation of people who were so strongly supportive of their leader. The President of France appeared live on national television to declare that his nation would never again fail to do exactly what it was told to by America. The leaders of many nations have also apologised publicly for jeopardising human civilisation by legalising gay marriages and civil partnerships. The British Prime Minister is expected to make a public speech congratulating Mr Bush, as soon as it has been approved by the Pentagon.

I can't tell you what it's like to be in Europe, for example, to be talking about the greatness of America. But the true greatness of America are the people.

President Bush disembarks from his X-Wing after destroying the Death Star.

From one perspective this historic event is only one in a succession of triumphs for Mr Bush: neutralising hundreds of thousands of potential terrorists in the middle east; uncovering dangerous spies such as Valerie Plame; leading a quantum leap to a new generation of correct science such as conservative economics, missile defence and the book of Genesis, while ending the fundamentalist reign of biology, geology, ecology cosmology and climate science; and being the only American leader with the guts to say, Hey, give torture a chance! And let’s not forget the little things, that may have had just as much impact on John Worker and Jill Housewife - is it really a coincidence that under Bush’s leadership the New Orleans state water polo team has gone from strength to strength? And who can fail to have been heartened on learning that Mr Bush was so interested in listening to the people of America that he bugged their phones?

There is another perspective, though, and that is that this triumph is in a class of its own. No longer troubled by the US Constitution (although he was never one to let that scrap of paper get in the way of what was right and necessary), Mr Bush finally has the freedom to win his wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Turkey, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Yemen, North Korea and California (now the Democratic Republic of Schwarzeneggistan). No longer will liberal hate-mongers sow the seeds of doubt that have prevented our troops from kickin’ ass and takin’ names - the only scientistically proven method of stopping them. You know, them - those people that we’re fighting.

We're fighting people that hates our values. They can't stand what America stands for.

President Bush and his team of women's rights advisors.

And the positive affect this event has had on many subversive Americans is remarkable. As feminist professor Natalie Landra, just back from a vacation to an unnamed five star hotel in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, put it, “I regret failing to support the president and thus helping to drive a wedge between the government and its people. Every night I cry myself to sleep thinking about all the people who would have stopped trying to blow up America if only I hadn’t called His Holiness the President a ‘douche bag’ in my MySpace profile.” But don’t just take the word of someone convicted for promiscuity and murder-by-contraception - perhaps the best expression of how we all feel about this came from the world’s most popular radio personality, Rush Limbaugh: “Fucking YES!”

More writing that shouldn't have been, here.

President Bush attends the execution of former president Bill Clinton

You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this.

All quotes are the inerrant words of His Holiness the President.


DonPare said...

Um...please don't even joke about something so scary!

Don, Embarrassed American, who has felt sick to his stomach since November 2000.

Chelle Y. said...

Great post, and I will not even admit that I voted for him! Haha!

Mandi said...

Yes, that might be too sensitive an issue to joke about! I wept when I found out he had been "reelected."

Autrice DelDrago said...


Well, when elections come up next, please remember to vote for the person and not the political party!!!

paris parfait said...

This is a horror story I can hardly bear to read! Quite an imaginative twist on the prompt. Well done, you! (Just don't scare me like that again, please). :)

Michelle said...

I am still laughing. What a horrific take on the prompt. I didn't even know what it was until I came here. I was totally startled by your headline--a flash of total surrealistic nightmare there.

Your tone is quite believeable. Yes, horror is another genre you are good at. That, and satire. Great job.

commongal said...

I laughed out loud at the team of "Women's Rights Advisors." Very convincingly written. Sad that it is so close to reality.

Jessy said...

LOL that was an awesome post! I was like, hang on... aren't we only in 2006?! Oh right, it's fiction. :D how great!

swampgrrl said...

oh good lawd, pacian!
this shit is too scary to write about.
i laughed a little bit here and there, but
i was so terrified that this could actually happen that i felt sick to my stomach!

you get the prize for touching a nerve for this sunday!!!

Disillusioned kid said...

Ah, the delights of satire. Truly a piece de resistance (if such Francophile turns of phrase are not to be excised in the New New World Order)! The women's rights bit was, as noted above, a comic highpoint.

(Have you been reading the Onion? Your style was really reminiscent of their stuff.)

jzr said...

I'm laughing but also am sick to stomach at the thought. I can't even look at the guy without getting ill!

FatCharlatan said...

Oh my gosh! I am LAUGHING OUT LOUD. I need to e-mail this post to people. GREAT post and great twist on the prompt!

(And dog help us if you're prescient.)


Michelle Fry said...

You should get a job writing for the Onion. This was hilarious.

tinker said...

:) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D
Applause, applause, Pacian - Brilliant. Bravo!

lisrobbe said...

I'd have to agree with Michelle Fry. When I read this I though of the Onion too. This was so great. Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving such a nice comment.

Jemima said...

I'm so glad I knew what the SS topic was before I read this.

Funny because it's ridiculous, scary because it's plausible.

wendylou who? said...

Another embarrased american says..Don't tempt fate...Never say Never....Please God..don't punish me this way...I'll be a good girl from now on..I promise!!

Great post.

Wendy from quiet...

LuluBunny said...

Another ashamed American here who wants you to know you nearly gave me a heart attack with that!

Please, please, please hide this post so no one in the administration gets any ideas (I'm sure there's already a closed door panel trying to figure out how to keep the train going).


But seriously, that was a brilliant post. And thank you for stopping by my blog :)

giggles said...

Excellent post, I absolutely howled with laughter. Isn’t it amazing that many of the most incredible Americans are reading your blog and posting comments. That they can think for themselves and that most of them are phenomenal writers? Isn’t just amazing!! Love you All! Loved the play on words Pacian!

Peace and giggles Sherrie

Roadchick said...


Loved this. Loved it.

Isn't satire fun???

Great job, Pacian!!!

susanna said...

So veeery scaaary and so witty at the same time. Great piece!

Geosomin said...

You honestly scared me there for a moment. I just stopped by your blog and for a split second I thought...man, I haven't watched the news in a few days..maybe it was real...they wouldn't would they?
Then I paused and realised...
Very well written and very timely. If you get a moment, check out the Onion's weekly "presidential address" about truth and the white house...it would go well with your pst:


Fantastic satire. Fine job.